Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
