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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.